Queen Bees and Wannabees - Rules of Girl World, Part 1

When I found out I was moving to 4th grade this year I knew I had to attend this seminar through a local ISD. Having two girls of my own and teaching an age group that is trying to understand their social status I thought it would be helpful to make myself aware of this ever so hard to figure out "girl world."


(These notes are from that conference by Kelly Smith, M.S.)

How would you define bullying? We usually think of something physical right? What about these words - persistent, intimidation, manipulative, control, and power?

Did you ever think about how a group of girls does better if it's an even number? Girls always end up pairing off. I got to see this in action in my own house.  My daughter had two friends over (twins) and one sister was by herself while my daughter and the other sister played together.  It wasn't deliberate, it just happened. So next time you plan your daughter's birthday part and one girl can't come, making it an odd number, invite someone else so it's an even number of girls. 

This battle for position and social status begins earlier than you might think...age 4-5. Have you ever heard this, "I won't be your friend." or "You can't come to my birthday party." We often dismiss it as a "kid thing", a stage that all kids go through. That's not true...it's a power struggle and it's just not nice and we need to teach our daughters (and all kids) not to say such unkind things.

Aggression in girls is often between their closest friends. There are three types of agressive behavior in girls:

• relational aggression - between friends
• indirect aggression - spreading rumors
• social aggression - damaging self esteem or social status (Did you ever know a girl that had to change schools? This might have been why.)

To a girl, friendship is as important as air. Therefore, the number one fear in girls is isolation. Have you or someone you know ever thought, "One bad friend is better than no friend." Girls don't directly confront because in girl world conflict = loss. That is why so much of this relational aggression between girls is covert and doesn't get dealt with.

How many times has a friend asked you if they did something to upset you and your response was, "No, everything's fine." See what I mean?

Some people think this is a social skills problem. It's not. It actually takes a lot of skill to cause these problems.

Here are some resources the presenter highly recommended. This seminar wasn't from a Biblical perspective so I threw in Dobson's book.

I'll be doing a follow up post explaining the roles among a group of girls (that was a real eye opener) but they can definitely be applied to any group.

Some resources:

Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson
Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons
Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman (great for parents and daughters to read together)

My Big Fat Mouth

(This is re-posted with permission from Kristen at We are THAT Family.)

Many evenings during summer, after brother and sister were tucked into bed, my oldest daughter and I would talk. We’ve worked our way, one page at a time, though the book, Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle

I’ve mentioned before that this book is not for the faint-of-heart, as would be expected with a book about sexual purity. (Yes, 10 years old is young, but I wanted to tell her before the world did. Now anything she might hear can be compared to the standard found in the Bible.)

But the chapter on how we talk really got to me:

I smiled as she squeezed toothpaste onto a paper plate at my instruction.

“Now,” I said dramatically and paused. “Put all the toothpaste back into the tube.”

She looked at me, confident, at first. But soon, she was covered in minty goo and knew the task was impossible.

After she washed her hands and snuggled back into my bed, I explained how our words, like the sticky toothpaste, once spoken are impossible to get back. And we just made a big mess trying. We talked about respect and thinking before we speak. We talked about the power of the tongue, how it can bring life or death.

She scooted off to bed and I remembered how often my mouth got me in trouble when I was her age. Talking-back and being sassy were some of my biggest struggles. (I was bestowed the gift of sarcasm at a very young age).

And then I thought about how often (EVERY DAY, it seems) I say something I shouldn’t. I’m not a kid anymore. I nag my hubby about stuff I WANT DONE. I gripe at my children for messes I don’t want to clean up. I complain to my friends about something I don’t agree with. There are a lot of “I’s” in that last sentence. 

I want this: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:4

It was a devotion for her.

But the words hit me in the big fat mouth.
_________________________
Do you struggle with your tongue? 

Original post September 9, 2010

Charm Course in Action

Kristi Morales is a Bible teacher at Master's Academt who is using Jody's Christian Charm Course for Girls in her all girls Bible class this year. She expressed her appreciation for the book and agreed to contribute her thoughts on the lives of her girls and her Bible class throughout the school year. We hope you are as touched as we were by her genuine heart for being a woman of God!

This year at Master's Academy, a private Christian school in Duncanville,TX, we were inspired by The New Christian Charm Course to do something different in our school. We felt that it was time to speak to our girls about what it is to be a woman and how a woman should carry herself from a Biblical point of view. We decided to combine our Jr. High and High School girls into one Bible class and use the charm course as a spring board for topics that would interest the girls and were relevant to their lives. The results have already been far beyond what I expected.

I never dreamed how much the girls of this generation need to be taught fundamental things about femininity and beauty. Their self-worth has been attacked by other girls, unhealthy relationships, and the media. They are uncertain how to act and dress in social situations and often feel very alone. The practical and useful things taught to girls in past generations, that once gave girls confidence and social grace, have been replaced by other things that do not speak directly to their needs as young women.

It has been a blessing to my class to have an all girl’s class in which they can relax and explore "girl things." I have spent the first few weeks creating an atmosphere of caring and trust. As the girls have felt accepted, they have begun to open up and share what is going on in their lives. I have already seen a change in the way they treat each other and how they relate to others. I see them walking with more confidence and speaking in a more feminine way. I am excited about this year and what God is going to do in their lives through this course.

Kristi Morales
Bible Teacher and Assistant Director of Master's Academy

Starting Your C-7 Group, Part 3

This is part 3 of our "Starting Your C-7 Group" series. Part 1, Part 2

Being Authentic, Flexible and an Anchor

By nature, I am a planner. I prefer things to be organized and on schedule. Therefore, I go into my time with the girls with a plan. But I have learned to hold my plans loosely, and yield them to the Lord. Praying to hear His still, small voice and be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit, I sometimes see “my” lessons change. My prayer is simply to be available for what the girls need. As I flex and flow in the power of the Holy Spirit, we sometimes go to a different topic.

Greet the girls as they come in. Genuinely ask how they are doing. Ask for prayer requests. Listen with your heart and lead where He tells you to go. Our girls need us to be authentic. Most importantly, they can tell if we aren’t ‘walking our talk’. Be the ‘real deal’. They will learn to trust your transparent heart. They need us as an anchor to model Christ in this tumultuous world.

We'd love to hear from you. Please leave us a comment with your ideas, thoughts, or questions.

Starting Your C-7 Group, Part 2

This is part 2 of our "Starting Your C-7 Group" series. You can read part 1 here.

Off and Running!

For some girls, it’s all new and exciting and they can’t wait to learn about everything. They love having their own books, and we start right at the beginning with taking our ‘before pictures’, and immediately jump into learning how to become a Christian. From there we begin practical lessons on diet, exercise, posture, learn how to do facials and we are ‘off and running’!

Some Want to Start with Gossip and Conflict Resolution

Older girls often want to start at the end of the book with issues like gossip and conflict resolution, and we may spend 3 months on those topics alone. From there, we move on to other topics. I have learned it is wiser to let the girls ‘vote’ on which lesson we will cover next and we weave in the C-7 verses as they are applicable. Often with girls/young ladies ages 12-14, it is a good idea to find time to meet with each of them one-on-one to share the gospel and find out where they are in their walk with the Lord.

Others Prefer Non-threatening Activities First

Groups of girls that are more shy often open up more when we start with non-threatening activities such as practicing posture and practical activities such as care of hair and face, which every girl needs. If there are varying income and fashion tastes, I keep the wardrobe and fashion chapters to the very basics. In fact, I suggest making accommodations based upon the climate and culture of where you live. For example, I was raised in a rural, small town community where people dressed in a much more practical way. However, I currently live and often teach in a metro area where fashion is a high priority for most girls. With each group, I am sensitive to the family backgrounds of the girls.

Also, I use the caricatures in the Christian Charm Course to open up discussions and get them laughing. More on Slouched Sally, Poised Petunia, Lazy Lena, Energetic Edna, Sloppy Sadie, Grumpy Gertrude, and Sunshine Savanna at another time!

For the More Spiritually Mature

Some are spiritually mature enough to understand the concept of being a C-7 girl, and so we launch right into the seven verses. They are ready for the ‘meat’ of the scriptures and we can skip past some of the lighter material. Have your Bible ready! Some of these girls are ready to ‘go deep’.

We'd love to hear from you. Please leave us a comment with your ideas, thoughts, or questions.

Starting Your C-7 Group, Part 1

This is the first in a series of posts that we hope will be helpful as you begin your own group. Please feel free to leave any questions in the comments below. We would love to help and encourage as you begin this journey with your own daughter or group of girls.

Starting Your C-7 Group

Just as each girl is “fearfully and wonderfully made,” her particular need for the Christian Charm Course is unique. The course was therefore created to grow with each girl as she matures in her relationship with Christ and begins to understand the difference between inner and outer beauty.

At the end of each chapter, she is encouraged to “Write from Her Heart” and reflect upon what she is learning. It truly is an individual’s journey done in community in either a one-on-one setting or in a group.

Pray, Ponder, and Plan

Whenever I prepare to lead a new group of girls, I pray for the Lord to reveal to me what their real needs are and how to meet them. As I ponder upon the scriptures, the lessons in the course, and what is happening in the media/world of girls today, I begin to make my plans. These are based on a balance of what is in the leader’s guide, the Word, and what I sense the girls need spiritually, emotionally, and practically.

We'd love to hear from you. Please leave us a comment with your ideas, thoughts, or questions.

Some Personal Thoughts

As parents of two girls, my husband and I want to guard their purity, self image, and identity.
We have often had thoughts such as, “If we let them wear things that show a tummy, skirts that are too short, or mini-teenager style clothes now, what will they want to wear when they are older?” In my mind, an 8 year old should not look like a little mini teenager.

When Jody asked me to team up with her to do this blog, I knew it would be a valuable tool to help us as we guide our daughters into womanhood. Even though our girls are young, the Christian Charm Course aligns with our philosophy of how we want to raise our girls.
Of course, at their age, not all of the big issues have come up yet. But we don’t want to be caught unprepared in the future, so we have set guidelines on the clothes they wear and we’ve discussed our reasons, especially with our oldest.

Our girls possess a lot of energy and are very busy. A gentle and quiet spirit is something that is a daily challenge for us, but it’s important for them to know there is a time to be silly, twirl, and have fun just as there is also a time to display self-control.

Both of our girls have extremely curly hair. This is very opposite of my own hair, so I’ve had to learn and ask a lot of questions in order to take proper care of their hair. I was determined to learn how to comb and condition their hair properly so they would have healthy curls. I remember reading somewhere that it is important for curly girls to embrace their curls. One way I do this is by never saying anything negative about their hair. When people comment about how beautiful their hair is and what great curls they have, it would be easy to reply in an exasperated voice, “Yes, but you don’t know how hard it is to fix it…” I want my girls to embrace their curls as a gift from God. I know we will go through challenging times, and already have at times when they would prefer straight hair. But ultimately, in the end, we want them to be comfortable in how God created them and rejoice in the beauty that God gave them.

Last Spring I was combing my oldest daughter’s hair. She was pretty proud of the ringlets that were forming. She made the comment, “If (enter a boy’s name here) could see my hair I think he would like me just like (enter a girl friend’s name here).” I am so thankful that I was able to slow down and take the opportunity to discuss this with her. We had the “friends like you the way you are” conversation.

Not everything is about their outward appearance, though. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the compliments about their outward beauty. As parents, moms as well as dads, we can help them focus on the importance of inner beauty. Take the time to compliment your daughter on how well she is sharing, or how responsible her actions were.

Karen
Sweet Brown Sugars